you take, it's given
by mia gray
Summary: "She's Will Sorenson. For a while – for the first few hours, anyway – that's all she can think... And what she once couldn't even comprehend, she finds herself considering." 5x23 post ep. Slight spoilers for 5X24 promo only.


She's Will Sorenson.

For a while – for the first few hours, anyway – that's all she can think.

A bigger (better?) job offer, another city. Another life.

A life that left no room for love.

His decision – his almost flippant disregard for her feelings – tore her apart. He had looked at her and expected her to just go with him. He could hardly believe she wouldn't just follow.

She couldn't. This was her city, her place. The scene of the crime that forever altered her world.

Her father. Her friends. Her job. Her entire existence.

It was never even a question.

Apparently, it wasn't for him, either.

He left. Another city. Another life.

And what she once couldn't even comprehend, she finds herself considering.

What did that make her?

Will fucking Sorenson.

* * *

And then, once that stops running through her mind over and over (it was different, _he_ was different), she thinks about what she had been like.

Before.

Nothing – oh, _nothing_ – could compare to what she has become.

Her entire existence had centered on the gaping hole in the center of her life. She had pulled herself out of it. She had. There was never any doubt about her fortitude, her strength. She had clawed her way back.

But back to what? She had been barely breathing. It had taken all of that strength to keep herself above water.

She stopped drowning, yes. She replaced it with treading water. Better, certainly.

But it left her stagnant. Exhausted.

And then one day, there he was. In her precinct. In her goddamn _space_. Pushing and prodding and poking and _asking_. All of the time.

She pushed back. He wouldn't budge.

Little by little, he brought the light back in.

He gave her everything.

And what did she do for him?

She took. And took. And took.

And now, she was going to walk away.

He had given her everything, and she was about to take it all away.

It's so much worse.

* * *

She doesn't sleep. She struggles to keep the panic at bay.

Don't panic, Beckett. Don't. This is choosing between two great things. This is good. Yes. Right. Good.

He is _pissed_. Which is sort of good for her, because she can work with pissed. She can be pissed in return. She can do pissed.

And she _is_ pissed at him. This is an incredible opportunity for her. Seriously, _incredible_. Something she can see herself doing, maybe forever.

She certainly hadn't been looking. It wasn't a lie that she hadn't thought about it, about what might be next for her, at least professionally. She had been actively working on just living this beautiful life and not thinking about it.

Then Eric fucking Vaughn waltzed in. Followed by Jared fucking Stack.

She can hear their idiotic voices in her head. _Oh, Detective Beckett, whatever are you doing? Don't you want more?_

She didn't. Did she?

Well, it doesn't matter now.

Whatever she might or might not have wanted is behind her. Because now she wants.

So she is pissed because seriously, Castle, this is huge, and incredible, and a dream come true if she had ever considered dreaming.

He has always been her biggest fan. The guy practically wears pompoms. He looks at her as though she is precious. He _beams_.

So what gives?

Yeah, she hears herself. That's stupid.

He obviously doesn't doubt her capabilities, is clearly not surprised that she's been offered this position.

But it's the job or it's him.

His life is here. His daughter, for god's sake. His daughter who stayed in this city so she wouldn't have to say goodbye to him. His daughter, the very center of his world.

Surely she doesn't think he would leave now.

No. She wouldn't even ask him to.

So it's him. Or it's the job.

_Fuck_.

* * *

She stays at her place. Which is notable in that she never stays there anymore.

She had been solitary once. She had lived alone. In this city.

Which is an incredibly isolating existence.

She didn't need anything from anyone. No one needed anything from her.

Her life was simple. Maybe she didn't feel exactly whole, but she didn't feel empty either.

Or at least that's what she had thought.

He took that from her.

Which is such a very backwards way of thinking, she knows.

He didn't _take_ from her. He gave.

He gave her everything, and she finds herself half wishing he hadn't.

Because now she's not sure how to live without it, without _him_.

* * *

She drifts. She goes back to that place in her head where she had thought (made herself believe?) that she was meant to be solitary. A singular human being in a city that asked nothing of her.

She had considered that she might one day have the kind of relationship worth holding onto. Maybe even a marriage. A family? She wasn't sure she could handle that. Not when she knew what it felt like to have it all ripped away. How very empty it could leave her.

So she thought _maybe this is what I am, what I will always be._

A cop. A detective. And a damn good one.

A safe, comfortable existence, with a sense of purpose, a sense of right and wrong, good and bad, black and white. Everything orderly and neat.

Maybe she had been right. Maybe what she had (oh god, that's already the past tense) with Castle was just meant to be a moment, a window into how beautiful life could be, how amazing it could feel to share it all with another person, to let someone else's light brighten your world.

Maybe it was just meant to be enough to propel her forward, to dream bigger.

Maybe it was a lesson. A gift, really.

The universe whispering softly, _here's what love feels like, Kate. Breathe it in. It may not be forever, but hold it in your heart. This is what it feels like to be more._

He gave her that. He gave her everything.

He remade her world.

* * *

And now she is on a train to another city. On the pretense of an interview, of course.

_Let me just see, Castle. Let me just look._

He stopped being pissed. He let her go.

He had told her what she already knew.

_It's me or the job, Kate._

But he didn't stop her. He wouldn't do that to her.

He had looked at her with that deep sadness in his eyes, with his heart so obviously in his throat.

He choked it down, smiled at her. Wished her luck.

He wouldn't take from her.

He gave it all, and he would give again by letting her go.

He would give her anything.

* * *

A/N: inspired in part by Rihanna in the hauntingly beautiful _Stay_.


End file.
